All I felt throughout the day was an empty stomach and a longing for my bed. School was unbearable and a result of two ancient professors who don’t know how to efficiently use a computer or how to lecture without leaving the topic of discussion astray. We are reading Ulysses in my morning class and as you may already know, it’s indecipherable. A world literature class I took last year left me with a strong disinterest in James Joyce, so it will take a considerable amount of effort not to hate my life for the next ten weeks. Tuesdays will be fairly simple because I only have French, but it will also be very easy not to want to get out of bed for an hour of school .
California had all of winter to be cold and now that spring has arrived, it’s not okay to step out in a cardigan unless I want to grit my teeth and hug myself. We have a new roommate from Versailles, her name is Anne. I don’t know too much about her yet, except that she wears a lot of perfume. My experience with French people in college hasn’t been too enchanting, but I guess I can’t really avoid this situation.
I’ve never felt so down after feeling that someone may only be interested in me because they find me attractive haha the irony right? I hope that statement doesn’t sound narcissistic because I’m not a self-absorbed person. It’s not a good feeling to feel as if the only thing that matters is the way you look.
It’s important to appreciate a person for who they are because that’s what is going to count in the end. I feel I’m pretty fucking annoying sometimes . . . I can be very complicated. I like being independent, I need my space but it does not mean I prefer it over someone’s company, it’s just in my nature to enjoy time alone.
I sometimes wish I still felt something rather than dismissing it but the truth is there’s nothing left to feel.
In the past month I’ve insulted two different people unintentionally. Is my opinion really that important? Frankly I was a bit embarrassed at first but I’ve managed to brush it off of my shoulders. It’s really unsettling to experience someone suddenly transform into a righteous human being when their usual personalities are rotten. I commend them for turning the tables though because I’ve tried doing that with certain oppressors and their head is too far up their ass to be affected by a prudent counterargument.
After a while, I couldn’t care even if I wanted to, even if I tried.
This is one of those nights or shall I say moments where I want to throw my hands up in defeat and just sigh,”oh, for fucks sake.” Every word I read pierces through my rib cage and punctures the useless muscle of inside it. It’s distressing to see ambiguity; it’s a typical human problem: the fear of the unknown. I’m bearing with my daily routine but I fade in and out of existence; I am simply not there.
whenever someone rambles about something … good or bad it is a sign of being affected by it. I do not find time in my day to discuss something I simply do not care about. This is common sense; whatever it is you speak of, you’re obviously thinking about it. What you converse about is governed by your thoughts. I think it’s irritating when someone tries to emphasize that they do not care about something but cannot seem to shut up about it. Maybe I’m passive aggressive. This was very poorly articulated but whatever I’m not trying to impress anyone
It’s not challenging at all to be happy with another person. You either love them unconditionally or you don’t give a fuck. There is no in-between. All of the grey areas are what cause complications.
sometimes I feel like my entire life sucks because I didn’t go to USC and then other times I just sort of deal with it but for now I’m feeling down